You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I love having hate sex.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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