i just sent this text using only my big toe
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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