best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
