i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
