just tell him i said nine months
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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