I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
