You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Randomize
