I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
