I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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