Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize
