need another drink. this is the easiest way
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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