It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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