dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
