My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
