Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
