I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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