OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
