Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
