1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
