i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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