a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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