where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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