But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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