I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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