i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
