my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
