chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
