Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
