Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
