I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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