I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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