Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think I am morally bankrupt
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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