She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
