did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
