my phone needs a breathalizer
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
