but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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