dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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