Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
