I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
