I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
