I wish my penis had an off switch
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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