There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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