When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
