My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
