I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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