i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
