i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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