She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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