I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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