I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
