Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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