No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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