Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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