she was so not down for the gang bang
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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