Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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