im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
