Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize