I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
