Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
