just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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